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Tuesday, June 17
the long answer instead
My post from Sunday had a few people asking deeper questions. That'll teach me to go a day without writing something new. Gives people too much time to think.
I promised a short answer to their questions in the comments, but a) I'm not sure what I've got can be called an answer, and b) I am way too wordy for that. I mean, look, I've written two paragraphs now and said practically nothing. I should be in journalism.
So, the questions lie there, naked on the table: What to do when you feel like your whole life is spent in unfulfilled longing? Where is God? And what am I supposed to do — not think, not feel, not pray -- but do?
I've been there at the counter with you, I'm afraid, demanding that my soul food be cooked to my order, often for days or weeks or months at a time. It's all too easy to wish for a life other than the one you are living. There's a hollow, gut-level ache that gnaws at your core, and I'm ashamed to say that I've tried filling it with everything from food to shopping to busyness.
I can only tell you what's worked for me on many days, not all, and it has been learning this truth:
God will only fill my emptiness. There's no reason for Him to fill a hole that I've already stuffed with other things.
For me, this answer has been far more than theoretical. It's been a practical, daily surrender of things I've felt I can't do without, a battle of spirit against flesh that often leaves me bleeding and worn. It's led me to admit that I don't trust God to give me good things. But time and again, when I finally dig out the life I've tried to grab for myself and lay it at the cross, God pours something back in — not just something intangible like peace or joy, though I'm grateful for those – but the real, good, hold-in-your-hand gifts I'd had no place to keep before.
That is what I know, and all I can say. Exchange the self-pity, the waiting, and the out-of-your-control circumstances for the Emptying. I will be praying for God to fill us both back up.
I promised a short answer to their questions in the comments, but a) I'm not sure what I've got can be called an answer, and b) I am way too wordy for that. I mean, look, I've written two paragraphs now and said practically nothing. I should be in journalism.
So, the questions lie there, naked on the table: What to do when you feel like your whole life is spent in unfulfilled longing? Where is God? And what am I supposed to do — not think, not feel, not pray -- but do?
I've been there at the counter with you, I'm afraid, demanding that my soul food be cooked to my order, often for days or weeks or months at a time. It's all too easy to wish for a life other than the one you are living. There's a hollow, gut-level ache that gnaws at your core, and I'm ashamed to say that I've tried filling it with everything from food to shopping to busyness.
I can only tell you what's worked for me on many days, not all, and it has been learning this truth:
God will only fill my emptiness. There's no reason for Him to fill a hole that I've already stuffed with other things.
For me, this answer has been far more than theoretical. It's been a practical, daily surrender of things I've felt I can't do without, a battle of spirit against flesh that often leaves me bleeding and worn. It's led me to admit that I don't trust God to give me good things. But time and again, when I finally dig out the life I've tried to grab for myself and lay it at the cross, God pours something back in — not just something intangible like peace or joy, though I'm grateful for those – but the real, good, hold-in-your-hand gifts I'd had no place to keep before.
That is what I know, and all I can say. Exchange the self-pity, the waiting, and the out-of-your-control circumstances for the Emptying. I will be praying for God to fill us both back up.
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"Admit that I don't trust God to give me good things". I think I may be talking to God over the next few days about this statement, and I may be doing some admitting of my own.
This was so convicting to me. I don't know whether to thank you or to come over and hit you.
I think the trust is the key part. I don't believe God will give me good things either. So I grab life for myself like you said.
would you mind sharing some of the things you've had to empty out?
Geesh. Where to begin? I think one of the first things was actually sleep. In my early twenties, sleep was an idol for me. If I didn't get eight hours, I actually thought I might die or stop functioning. I wanted children badly, but knew that sleep was one idol that was going down the hard way if I did, so I purposefully started shorting myself an hour of sleep to spend time with God, and to trust Him to give me the energy to make it through the day. Sounds easy, but it was one of the hardest things for me.
Another thing I had to empty out was the desire to control my husband. Been working on that one for a good 8 years (I've been married for almost 15). But my helpmate instinct had turned into a harm mate one instead, and there were things I wanted from my marriage that weren't coming without rooting this out. I'm happy to say that in the last three years, I've received those good gifts I'd been looking for.
I'm in the throes of digging out another thing right now. Probably the most painful thing yet. I promised myself that I wouldn't post on it for awhile, but I will sometime soon, I'm sure.
It boils down to this for me: Getting up in the morning and laying my list before God and saying "I can't do anything about this, only You can." Which is the easy part. The hard part is living in trust all day that God has control and I don't need to grab it back from Him. But it is the only way to peace.
Another thing I had to empty out was the desire to control my husband. Been working on that one for a good 8 years (I've been married for almost 15). But my helpmate instinct had turned into a harm mate one instead, and there were things I wanted from my marriage that weren't coming without rooting this out. I'm happy to say that in the last three years, I've received those good gifts I'd been looking for.
I'm in the throes of digging out another thing right now. Probably the most painful thing yet. I promised myself that I wouldn't post on it for awhile, but I will sometime soon, I'm sure.
It boils down to this for me: Getting up in the morning and laying my list before God and saying "I can't do anything about this, only You can." Which is the easy part. The hard part is living in trust all day that God has control and I don't need to grab it back from Him. But it is the only way to peace.